Soooooooooooooooo…it’s been a while. Quite frankly, I’ve been too embarrassed to post. I was down 70lbs at on point. I have half-assed my way back to gaining 50 of those pounds and I’m embarrassed about that.
Being fat is delicious and easy…until it gets hard.
It’s all good until you come up against…a chair with arms.
That pizza is delicious…until none of your close fit.
The buffet is fantastic…until you notice people watching you make your plate. Are they judging me?
My joints ache. My feet, ankles and knees have started to swell again. I’m retaining water and I waddle when I walk.
We had a long talk with my coach this week because I am feeling very discouraged.
I’m back on track; I think. Some people do well with meal prep and planning ahead. I do better with focusing on one day at a time so that’s what I’m doing. It’s treat season so its going to be hard. Every time I’m tempted, I look at my goals and ask myself “How bad do you want it?”. So far, so good.
As the new year approaches, I find that I am falling apart. At least that’s how I’m feeling. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been, my sciatica is debilitating but I’m too heavy to have an MRI to further assess the issue. Right now, all I can do is take narcotics to ‘help’ with the pain that never really goes away. I can’t sit up for any length of time without pain and laying down doesn’t help much either.
I got a letter the other day that my wages will be garnished starting with my first paycheck in 2014 for my student loans. My credit is crappy and my life feels like its spiraling out of control.
I am feeling sad and depressed and I am in tears daily. I am just really disappointed at the state of my life right now and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have to believe that God has a plan; that He is trying to show me how strong I am. He is preparing me for newness and change. I am choosing to walk in the faith and trust in the promise that God will never put more on me than I can bear. I have to trust that if He brought me to it, He’ll bring me through it.
I am going to pray. I am going to write (it helps bring clarity). I am going to affirm myself and speak and think positive things into my life. I am going to work to prepare myself to receive the greatness that God is going to shower into my life. I believe it and I am open to receive it. I am feeling discouraged but I cannot give up. I am choosing to acknowledge the bad things but not wallow in them. As long as there is breath in my lungs, I have to believe there is a purpose I haven’t fulfilled.
I am a work in progress and I am ok with that.