Often when I’m out, I’m reminded (in this case by a large, knotted bruise on my hip & butt) that many public places are not inclusive when it comes to fat people. Some people don’t like that word as a descriptor but I’m a lot less sensitive about it than I would’ve been two years ago at the beginning of my weight loss journey. Insert whatever word makes you more comfortable; I call a spade a spade.
I went to a sporting event this evening with a group and the seating was less than desirable for my height of 6ft and for sure not comfortable for my girth. I felt a bit like I imagine it would look to put a 10yr old in an umbrella stroller. You just pictured it and laughed…good. In years past, this situation would have sent me spiraling into despair. I would have asked for the car keys and professed to be A-OK. I would have sat in the car balling and then went home and stuffed my feelings down my throat in the form of excessive amounts of fatty food and beverages. Because let’s be honest, emotional eaters aren’t shoveling in salad 🙃. In all honesty, a couple of years ago, I would’ve avoided a group outing like the plague. But I digress.
Today, and many days before today now that I think about it, was different. Today, I created a different outcome. I was with people who value my emotional safety (that’s important) which helped me to maintain. Granted, I did not get to enjoy the game sitting with my group but I managed to find a comfortable space for myself and folks came and checked on me. This past couple of years has been such a journey of self-discovery and a few things I’ve gotten really good at are allowing myself to process through my feelings, transparency in expressing those feelings when needed and making sure I am comfortable in a space.
I find it interesting that here I am almost 2yrs post-op and down 110lbs and still having a hard time in a lot of spaces because of my size. I’m not saying that sports/concert venues, restaurants and modes of mass transport need to cater to me as a heavy person by posting this. I’m just pointing out what most people take for granted because it’s not something they ever have to think twice about. Do me a favor and take just a second to think about your friend or family member who may be a person of greater size the next time you breeze through a turnstile, slide easily into a booth at a restaurant, sit unobstructed down into a chair with arms, sit in a folding chair. No, you’re not responsible for decisions anyone has made or actions they have taken to make them heavy. But maybe taking just a moment to think of these people in these situations and the countless other situations that come up to remind them that life isn’t kind to fat people, you might choose to show a little extra grace and a little more kindness; both really contagious and worth catching.
Soooooooooooooooo…it’s been a while. Quite frankly, I’ve been too embarrassed to post. I was down 70lbs at on point. I have half-assed my way back to gaining 50 of those pounds and I’m embarrassed about that.
Being fat is delicious and easy…until it gets hard.
It’s all good until you come up against…a chair with arms.
That pizza is delicious…until none of your close fit.
The buffet is fantastic…until you notice people watching you make your plate. Are they judging me?
My joints ache. My feet, ankles and knees have started to swell again. I’m retaining water and I waddle when I walk.
We had a long talk with my coach this week because I am feeling very discouraged.
I’m back on track; I think. Some people do well with meal prep and planning ahead. I do better with focusing on one day at a time so that’s what I’m doing. It’s treat season so its going to be hard. Every time I’m tempted, I look at my goals and ask myself “How bad do you want it?”. So far, so good.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Tomi and I don’t do anything special for this day because we are awesome to one another every day. That being said, I move on to the real reason for my post.
I had my Ideal Protein weigh-in this past Wednesday (2/12) and I am down another 8.8lbs. I have lost a total of 18.6lbs since I started the program on January 19th! I am feeling very excited and very good about my progress. I am down a total of 4.75in in my measurements since I started.
I would like to say a special thank you to my honey, friends, family and even complete strangers for being so extremely supportive as I navigate my weight loss journey. There are definitely some days that are a big struggle but it helps to draw on the strength of others when I need to.
A series of seemingly unrelated events came together to put me in my current frame of mind. I read an article in the New York Times by Alice Randall called Why Black Women Are Fat http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/opinion/sunday/why-black-women-are-fat.html?smid=pl-share and then came across another article by the same author in the September issue of Essence magazine titled My Soul To Keep, My Weight To Lose. Then, I read another article in Essence by the Write Or Die Chick called Diary Of A Mad, Fat Chick http://www.essence.com/2012/08/31/write-or-die-chick-diary-mad-fat-chick. Then, I came across a book by Alice Randall called Ada’s Rules and I knew that God was trying to tell me something; something that I have been telling myself for years. It is time to make a change!
Ok, wait! Let me start at the beginning. I don’t know when I started avoiding mirrors that show me anything other than my face but I do. I actually can’t recall when I stopped liking what I saw looking back at me but somewhere in my life, it happened. Tomi and I were out shopping and I walked past a full length mirror and made the mistake of looking into it. I cried. I made the decision that day that I was going to make a change. I made some small changes in the way I was eating, slowly, over the course of a month and saw a little weight loss. Then, the next time I weighed myself, I was 10lbs heavier than my original weight. I am heavier than I have ever been in my life!
After God put all of these different reading materials in my path, I know it wan’t anyone but God, I knew that only I could change what I do not like to see when I look in the mirror. So, I continue to make changes in the way that I eat; healthy food and healthy snacks. Also, I have started working out. Since I come from a primarily sedentary lifestyle, I knew that I would have to take baby steps in order to start and stick with any type of exercise plan. I’ve decided to start by walking my way to a healthier me. I started this past Tuesday and my plan is to go and walk for 30mins everyday and I have been sticking to it. As my endurance increases, so will my exercise.
Although, I feel tired and achy in my body, I feel good on the inside. I am so proud of myself for my motivation and my dedication to a healthier me. That feeling is what will keep me moving forward. Now, I am looking forward to things like making appointments to try on wedding gowns (I’m planning my wedding) and being able to purchase clothes off the rack more easily. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful and hopeful feels pretty damn good.