Often when I’m out, I’m reminded (in this case by a large, knotted bruise on my hip & butt) that many public places are not inclusive when it comes to fat people. Some people don’t like that word as a descriptor but I’m a lot less sensitive about it than I would’ve been two years ago at the beginning of my weight loss journey. Insert whatever word makes you more comfortable; I call a spade a spade.
I went to a sporting event this evening with a group and the seating was less than desirable for my height of 6ft and for sure not comfortable for my girth. I felt a bit like I imagine it would look to put a 10yr old in an umbrella stroller. You just pictured it and laughed…good. In years past, this situation would have sent me spiraling into despair. I would have asked for the car keys and professed to be A-OK. I would have sat in the car balling and then went home and stuffed my feelings down my throat in the form of excessive amounts of fatty food and beverages. Because let’s be honest, emotional eaters aren’t shoveling in salad 🙃. In all honesty, a couple of years ago, I would’ve avoided a group outing like the plague. But I digress.
Today, and many days before today now that I think about it, was different. Today, I created a different outcome. I was with people who value my emotional safety (that’s important) which helped me to maintain. Granted, I did not get to enjoy the game sitting with my group but I managed to find a comfortable space for myself and folks came and checked on me. This past couple of years has been such a journey of self-discovery and a few things I’ve gotten really good at are allowing myself to process through my feelings, transparency in expressing those feelings when needed and making sure I am comfortable in a space.
I find it interesting that here I am almost 2yrs post-op and down 110lbs and still having a hard time in a lot of spaces because of my size. I’m not saying that sports/concert venues, restaurants and modes of mass transport need to cater to me as a heavy person by posting this. I’m just pointing out what most people take for granted because it’s not something they ever have to think twice about. Do me a favor and take just a second to think about your friend or family member who may be a person of greater size the next time you breeze through a turnstile, slide easily into a booth at a restaurant, sit unobstructed down into a chair with arms, sit in a folding chair. No, you’re not responsible for decisions anyone has made or actions they have taken to make them heavy. But maybe taking just a moment to think of these people in these situations and the countless other situations that come up to remind them that life isn’t kind to fat people, you might choose to show a little extra grace and a little more kindness; both really contagious and worth catching.
Last week, I was down another 2lbs but this week, I was up 6lbs. I’m not sad about it. I have been having a hard time eating since I got out of the hospital. Anytime I eat anything, I get very nauseous which makes me not want to eat. I don’t seem to have an issue with fluids because I can’t get enough water but my body just seems to hate food right now. This should be a better week because I saw my doctor yesterday and she gave me something to address the nausea.
This past weekend was the 67th Annual Tacoma Golden Gloves. I have been singing the National Anthem at the matches for 10+ years now. One of the photographers took a picture that finally helped me wrap my head around how much weight I have lost. I know that my clothes are fitting differently and better but I don’t feel any different other than being less ‘solid’.
This picture brought everything into perspective and I cried when I saw it…
I feel so proud of myself. God knows this journey has not been easy; full of many ups and downs but I am staying in the race.
It’s crazy to see the differences in my body and a bit overwhelming. There are times when I feel scared and I allow that fear to steer me toward unhealthy choices (I am an emotional eater; any emotion) but I am determined to conquer and live above my fear. I know that ultimately, I will be better for it.
So, this has been a ‘heavy’ week for me but I’ve made it through. I gained 5lbs this week. This was a hard and stressful week for me and I am definitely an emotional eater. Most days, I am able to distract myself but there was a couple of days this week where I just ate what I wanted to eat; consequences be damned. I was regretting it after my weigh-in but my coach told me that sometimes you have gotta take some time off. I was feeling bored with the diet and wanted something with cheese. I’m back on the program and feeling back in control. I have a goal to reach by my birthday and I will get there. Not to mention, I’ve found my bathing suit for next summer so I have to work hard to get it right and get it tight.
I was on the Ideal Protein program before, a few years ago, but the timing wasn’t right and I was not successful and had to stop.
Recently, I tried to start again. That day was a comedy of errors that resulted in me making the decision to stop, regroup, wait a couple days and then start again.
Sunday, January 19th, 2014, I restarted my restart of Ideal Protein (You still with me?). I had a great week and followed the program to the letter. The program eliminates dairy, fruits and grains from your diet. My diet must have been carb & sugar heavy because I definitely went through some withdrawals but I stuck it out.
The good thing about the program is that you don’t ever feel hungry but I definitely had to fight a couple ugly behaviors that presented themselves; blind snacking and emotional eating. I had to find another outlet so I read more, wrote in my journal more and blogged more; that seemed to do the trick.
I had my first weigh-in on Friday, January 24th. I was so anxious about it that I was nauseous. I am down 9.6lbs. It felt so good to hear that I almost cried. It definitely gave me the boost I needed to jump into the next week with renewed strength of will. I am -9.6lbs closer to my first goal which is to get out of the 400 club.