Tag Archives: conquering fears

The Uncomfortable Yes: Conquering Fears

One of my biggest anxieties comes from hearing my recorded voice or seeing myself on camera. Let me classify that; seeing my WHOLE body in pictures or videos. Well, I’m stepping into a new boldness in 2018 (although I’m feeling a bit nervous about it 🤣).

At my church, they record welcome videos that show right after Worship Service. I participated in the filming of two videos that will be featured in the coming weeks. Here’s the real biggie though. This past Sunday at church, we celebrated Martin Luther King Jr; the man and his message. How far we’ve come toward equality and how far we have to go. I was asked to sing Take My Hand, Precious Lord which is not a big deal. I enjoy singing and especially ‘making a joyful noise’. I was audio recorded for the weekly podcast which I knew and had wrapped my head around. I also knew that I was video recorded. When one of the pastors texted and asked if about posting the video, I gave an immediate yes. Please don’t think it was because I was feeling super confident about it, because I wasn’t. I hadn’t seen the video or heard all of the audio and all of my anxiety and insecurities came bubbling up with the doubt talk. It wasn’t perfect. You were kinda pitchy at that one part. Your tempo was all over. People are going to be staring at you. What if you look gross (losing 100+ lbs does not quiet your issues with body image). Well, I managed to push those thoughts aside and I. Said. Yes. Then, I sat and watched a video of myself; twice. I watched it once without sound and then again with sound. The first time through, I was anxious and nauseous and I felt like my heart was jump out of my chest. I realized I wasn’t dead 😊. Watching it the second time was a lot less stressful. I’m glad I chose the uncomfortable yes. It was scary and new but you know what? I’m looking forward to doing it again.

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Weighing In

Last week, I was down another 2lbs but this week, I was up 6lbs. I’m not sad about it. I have been having a hard time eating since I got out of the hospital. Anytime I eat anything, I get very nauseous which makes me not want to eat. I don’t seem to have an issue with fluids because I can’t get enough water but my body just seems to hate food right now. This should be a better week because I saw my doctor yesterday and she gave me something to address the nausea.

This past weekend was the 67th Annual Tacoma Golden Gloves. I have been singing the National Anthem at the matches for 10+ years now. One of the photographers took a picture that finally helped me wrap my head around how much weight I have lost. I know that my clothes are fitting differently and better but I don’t feel any different other than being less ‘solid’.

This picture brought everything into perspective and I cried when I saw it…

This is me 60lbs thinner than my starting weight.
This is me 60lbs down from my starting weight.

I feel so proud of myself. God knows this journey has not been easy; full of many ups and downs but I am staying in the race.

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Me at 25lbs down from my original weight.

It’s crazy to see the differences in my body and a bit overwhelming. There are times when I feel scared and I allow that fear to steer me toward unhealthy choices (I am an emotional eater; any emotion) but I am determined to conquer and live above my fear. I know that ultimately, I will be better for it.