As the new year approaches, I find that I am falling apart. At least that’s how I’m feeling. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been, my sciatica is debilitating but I’m too heavy to have an MRI to further assess the issue. Right now, all I can do is take narcotics to ‘help’ with the pain that never really goes away. I can’t sit up for any length of time without pain and laying down doesn’t help much either.
I got a letter the other day that my wages will be garnished starting with my first paycheck in 2014 for my student loans. My credit is crappy and my life feels like its spiraling out of control.
I am feeling sad and depressed and I am in tears daily. I am just really disappointed at the state of my life right now and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have to believe that God has a plan; that He is trying to show me how strong I am. He is preparing me for newness and change. I am choosing to walk in the faith and trust in the promise that God will never put more on me than I can bear. I have to trust that if He brought me to it, He’ll bring me through it.
I am going to pray. I am going to write (it helps bring clarity). I am going to affirm myself and speak and think positive things into my life. I am going to work to prepare myself to receive the greatness that God is going to shower into my life. I believe it and I am open to receive it. I am feeling discouraged but I cannot give up. I am choosing to acknowledge the bad things but not wallow in them. As long as there is breath in my lungs, I have to believe there is a purpose I haven’t fulfilled.
I am a work in progress and I am ok with that.
A series of seemingly unrelated events came together to put me in my current frame of mind. I read an article in the New York Times by Alice Randall called Why Black Women Are Fat http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/opinion/sunday/why-black-women-are-fat.html?smid=pl-share and then came across another article by the same author in the September issue of Essence magazine titled My Soul To Keep, My Weight To Lose. Then, I read another article in Essence by the Write Or Die Chick called Diary Of A Mad, Fat Chick http://www.essence.com/2012/08/31/write-or-die-chick-diary-mad-fat-chick. Then, I came across a book by Alice Randall called Ada’s Rules and I knew that God was trying to tell me something; something that I have been telling myself for years. It is time to make a change!
Ok, wait! Let me start at the beginning. I don’t know when I started avoiding mirrors that show me anything other than my face but I do. I actually can’t recall when I stopped liking what I saw looking back at me but somewhere in my life, it happened. Tomi and I were out shopping and I walked past a full length mirror and made the mistake of looking into it. I cried. I made the decision that day that I was going to make a change. I made some small changes in the way I was eating, slowly, over the course of a month and saw a little weight loss. Then, the next time I weighed myself, I was 10lbs heavier than my original weight. I am heavier than I have ever been in my life!
After God put all of these different reading materials in my path, I know it wan’t anyone but God, I knew that only I could change what I do not like to see when I look in the mirror. So, I continue to make changes in the way that I eat; healthy food and healthy snacks. Also, I have started working out. Since I come from a primarily sedentary lifestyle, I knew that I would have to take baby steps in order to start and stick with any type of exercise plan. I’ve decided to start by walking my way to a healthier me. I started this past Tuesday and my plan is to go and walk for 30mins everyday and I have been sticking to it. As my endurance increases, so will my exercise.
Although, I feel tired and achy in my body, I feel good on the inside. I am so proud of myself for my motivation and my dedication to a healthier me. That feeling is what will keep me moving forward. Now, I am looking forward to things like making appointments to try on wedding gowns (I’m planning my wedding) and being able to purchase clothes off the rack more easily. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful and hopeful feels pretty damn good.