Tag Archives: anxiety

The Uncomfortable Yes: Conquering Fears

One of my biggest anxieties comes from hearing my recorded voice or seeing myself on camera. Let me classify that; seeing my WHOLE body in pictures or videos. Well, I’m stepping into a new boldness in 2018 (although I’m feeling a bit nervous about it 🤣).

At my church, they record welcome videos that show right after Worship Service. I participated in the filming of two videos that will be featured in the coming weeks. Here’s the real biggie though. This past Sunday at church, we celebrated Martin Luther King Jr; the man and his message. How far we’ve come toward equality and how far we have to go. I was asked to sing Take My Hand, Precious Lord which is not a big deal. I enjoy singing and especially ‘making a joyful noise’. I was audio recorded for the weekly podcast which I knew and had wrapped my head around. I also knew that I was video recorded. When one of the pastors texted and asked if about posting the video, I gave an immediate yes. Please don’t think it was because I was feeling super confident about it, because I wasn’t. I hadn’t seen the video or heard all of the audio and all of my anxiety and insecurities came bubbling up with the doubt talk. It wasn’t perfect. You were kinda pitchy at that one part. Your tempo was all over. People are going to be staring at you. What if you look gross (losing 100+ lbs does not quiet your issues with body image). Well, I managed to push those thoughts aside and I. Said. Yes. Then, I sat and watched a video of myself; twice. I watched it once without sound and then again with sound. The first time through, I was anxious and nauseous and I felt like my heart was jump out of my chest. I realized I wasn’t dead 😊. Watching it the second time was a lot less stressful. I’m glad I chose the uncomfortable yes. It was scary and new but you know what? I’m looking forward to doing it again.

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Hotmess.org.com.life

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Please don’t go typing that in because it is not an actual website; I think.

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Instead, think of it as a very accurate description of my current mental, emotional and physical state. My stress level is HIGH!!

I am having a couple of eye surgeries; the first of which is coming up next month. I have to be honest and say that I am freaking out just a little

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I have an eye disease called Keratoconus which has gotten progressively worse and has started to affect my vision and the ability to correct my vision with contacts or glasses. I am legally blind in the left eye and that will require a corneal transplant which I will be having around the end of summer. The procedure that I am having next month is called Corneal CrossLinking. I am having it all done at a clinic in Walla Walla, WA which is about an hour away from home and I am having to take a bunch of time off of work. Needless to say, my anxiety and stress level is HIGH.

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My hair is falling out, my skin is a mess, I keep breaking out in hives, I can’t concentrate and all I want to do is sleep and eat. Speaking of eating…

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At the beginning of this weight loss adventure, I promised myself that I would be completely transparent; no filter. That being said, I haven’t been following my program properly for the last two weeks. I haven’t been eating the right things, I haven’t been taking my supplements, I haven’t been logging my meals, drinking water like I am supposed to; just not doing anything I am supposed to. I usually start the day well and then by lunch, I get lazy and just eat whatever and then I think “I’ve ruined this day already so I may as well eat whatever I want for dinner”. It’s been a nasty cycle over the past couple of weeks. It also didn’t help that we went out of town two weekends in a row. I didn’t plan ahead which made staying on plan while travelling next to impossible. Have you ever tried to find something healthy to eat in a convenience store?
TODAY I’VE DECIDED TO STOP ALLOWING LIFE TO GET IN THE WAY OF MY SUCCESS! I gave myself a little pep talk/ kick-in-butt…
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I had my weigh-in today and came clean with my coach and declared tomorrow my official relaunch day. I gained 12lbs in two weeks but didn’t gain any inches; I’m down another 1.5in.
I am striving to “Look Great At 38!”